Category Archives: fun with clinical depression

I’ve decided to start praying to my cat

Because prayer is a self-soothing mechanism I have really worked into to my behavior patterns through four decades in a semi-mainstream cult (totally is guys, sorry but you can never see a cult when you’re in one but it is totally obvious once you’re out), it’s one of the few things I do automatically.  Now that my belief system has imploded and my faith has gone AWOL several years ago, I still find I don’t really know how to just get through a day without sending one up.  Most days many times.

A sample of my top-said prayers, then and now:

  • Help.
  • Help me.
  • Why?
  • WTF?
  • What did I do wrong? I’m sorry.
  • I’m just so sorry.
  • What is really going on? None of this makes any sense.
  • Why does this hurt so much? (hint: when you can pretend it makes sense, it hurts less, actual prayer is probably “Can you please help me believe this makes sense so it will hurt less?”)
  • How can life be a good thing when it hurts this much just to do basic living activities?
  • What if life is a good thing but it hurts me because I am a bad thing? Or bad at living life? (Dammit, now life hurts AND I might be a bad thing or bad at doing it.)

But the point is, my Cat brings me a lot of comfort, like real, physical downregulation type comfort, what with the loud purring and seemingly affectionate (but possibly indifferent) head butts and slightly painful kneading of my leg under the fleece blanket.

Sometimes praying to God brought me comfort, insight into a new way of seeing things, and even sometimes be followed by direct relief of the problem.  Of course none of that was coincidence, it was all a supreme being showing me how important I am to it while neverminding the children around the world being sold and raped at this very moment.

That totally makes sense.